so yeah it's just a boring day so far...slept for most of it cause i didn't have work lol. just getting ready to head out, maybe go work out for a bit, and then later tonight is a choir concert which should be fun since i haven't seen one since i was in school lol.

but yeah i'll put a real journal on here tonight

i've realized today...that i'm not happy...still! not because i don't want to be, but because i've put so much effort in the people i know and everyone that i care about. i've realized that i've given up so much just so that my friends could be happy, i'd rather see my friends happy before myself. am i crazy for wanting that? for the longest time i thought that it wasn't...but today made me realize that i don't like killing myself to make someone happy. i had the most amazing night with some of the greatest friends i could ask for...but as i was sitting there on their couch i was thinking that am i really happy? do i really want to be here? for the first time in a very very long time i've thought about suicide...but i know in my mind that's not the way out...and never it will be. i want to get back on that map to where i was going in life, i thought i had it figured out...but like usual a door slams shut and locks in my face. after realizing all of that, i noticed that maybe nothing is really worth it. maybe i should just stop doing stuff for other people and just hide from the world again. focusing on what i want should be my main priority...but in my head at the same time i can't.

i guess i'm just in the same spot as i was several months ago...i guess i haven't figured out what i'm gonna do in life.

-Kyle

i don't know what to write here...but a quick update actually is that i'm not leaving for the Marines anytime soon...and i won't know again until May. i got hurt doing my ist test...but that got me discharged. i guess i don't know what i want for now. i'm trying to find a job...but that's not going out so well. but that's really a quick update...oh one more thing is that i m ay have a short term working for a photographer named Amanda Hansen...but i really won't know that until like December 1st. but that's about all i have.

Haha ok well my life keeps changing...my new official ship date for the Marine Corp. is November 16, 2009 yeah it's changed like three times now...but I really could care less I'm getting to leave soon. So that pretty much means I'll be disappearing for like three months from that date! Don't worry I will keep you all posted as it get's closer. I might not be going into the Marines as a Combat Photographer...but I still have three weeks to get all my paper work done for that job...which will be amazing!!! Otherwise I'm going in with Open Contract which means NO JOB!!!! But anyway that's really all I have for everyone right now...so yeah thanks for letting me keep you posted

Ok well today's plans got shot to hell by the snow! It's still snowing outside, and I mean I don't mind it cause I love the snow...it's just I think I might be getting sick which will suck! But we're going to be trying Christian's senior photos tomorrow if the snow melts (yeah the think about Wyoming is that if it snows...it usually don't stay). Today I also have been thinking a lot (which usually isn't good), but today I figured out why I like being alone in my room all the time, and the main reason is because well I have my thoughts to myself and no one can bother me. I'm trying to think of some ideas for the sheet I have up on my wall which I might end up doing but haven't quite figured out yet. Yesterday I also figured out about that "date" or what ever I've been wanting to call it, that maybe I shouldn't have gone on it...I really might just go back into my bubble and just say screw life until i get to leave, but I can't really do that anymore...so owell, I'll just live with the regret. Today I've also found out I HATE WORKING FOR ACE HARDWARE!!!! They are a bunch of douche bags, well not everyone there but I'm getting treated like crap...ALL THE TIME! But since my small little town has hit rock bottom and the boom has finally died down...I can't get hired anywhere else!!! Which pretty much sucks!

Ok sorry for who ever had to read this and listen to me complain but I'm just stressed out and ugh! But anyway thanks for putting up with me.

Peace Out
Kyle